


This Weight You Carry Isn't Yours

by predilection



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s05e04 Nor the Battle to the Strong, Gen, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 11:52:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11805450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/predilection/pseuds/predilection
Summary: Julian reads Jake's article about what really happened on Ajilon Prime.An episode tag for "Nor the Battle to the Strong".





	This Weight You Carry Isn't Yours

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is what I like to imagine happened about a month after the episode "[Nor the Battle to the Strong](http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Nor_the_Battle_to_the_Strong_\(episode\))", in which Julian and Jake ended up on the front line of warzone. 
> 
> Warnings for references to the same kinds of trauma and emotional distress that there were in the episode.

When Jake had told Julian that he was no longer going to be writing his article, a small part of Julian -- the part that had reveled in the knowledge that someone wanted to write about _him_ \-- was disappointed. At the same time, Julian had no hard feelings whatsoever towards Jake for dropping his proposed article. 

He had been with Jake on Ajilon Prime. It was his fault that Jake was there in the first place, after all, and although Jake hadn't said anything, Julian knew what PSTD looked like. He also knew that Jake had started seeing a counselor after they'd returned to the station.

He didn't know that Jake had actually written an article on Ajilon Prime until a month later when he was reviewing journals for a medical conference. On a whim, he decided to search the entire journal database for anything written by Jake Sisko. To his surprise, a recent article appeared in his results published only a week earlier. 

Curious, Julian opened the article and began to read it. He had to stop three times and when he finally finished, he put his padd down and rested his head in his hands. He hadn't known what had happened to Jake during the shelling or that he had returned to the cave with such a terrible view of himself.

He wished he had known. He wished he could have nipped such cruel thoughts in the bud.

Most of all, he wished he hadn't taken Jake to Ajilon Prime in the first place. Even though they had ended up saving lives and Jake had ended up saving them all in the end, he could've saved Jake from all of this.

*

A few days later, he spotted Jake eating alone in a corner of Quark's. Quark's wasn't busy. There were many free tables for Julian to choose from, but there was a conversation he needed to have, so lunch and raktajino in hand, he walked over to where Jake was sitting. 

"Mind if I join you?" 

Jake looked up from the padd he was writing on, and though he seemed surprised to see Julian there, he gestured to the chair across from him. "Feel free."

Julian sat and as he picked at his lunch, he asked, "What are you writing?"

Jake shrugged. "Just a story. I don't plan to publish it. I don't even know why I'm writing it. It's just for fun, I guess."

"Ah, well, you're a good writer, so perhaps you should think of publishing it."

"Really? You've read my work?"

Julian hesitated. "I read the short story you published in the Pertasha collection last year, and I read... your article in the Miiirianda journal."

Jake frowned. "You, uh, read that?"

"I did," Julian confirmed. "And I wanted to talk to you about it, if that's alright."

Jake put his padd down and sighed. "I had a feeling this would happen eventually." 

Julian carefully considered what he was going to say before he asked, "Did you know that when I was a cadet, I flunked a set of mandatory field battle simulations?"

Jake didn't say anything, but his eyes flickered up from the table to meet Julian's.

"Since I was in the medical track, I had to take two different kinds of front line battle simulations," Julian explained. "One set for medical cadets, and the same general set all Starfleet cadets have to take. I passed the medical simulations without difficulty, but my scores were dismal on the others. I wasn't very good at simulations where I was forced to act as a solider rather than as a doctor. I was even removed from a simulation for my failure to perform adequately."

"What happened?" Jake asked.

"That particular simulation was based off a real battle from the Earth-Romulan War. In it, I was a solider on the front line, and my fellow officers were picked off and killed next to me by Romulans. It was a rather cruel test to see how I would react to such a situation. And instead of continuing to fight or retreating, I panicked and froze."

Jake looked away and swallowed, as if he understood why Julian was telling him this particular story.

"Ajilon Prime was your first time on the front line of a ground battle, and it wasn't a simulation. Moreover, you're never been trained for such a situation by Starfleet. You're a civilian. That you felt fear -- that you panicked -- was a natural reaction."

"I left you to die." Jake sucked in a deep breath. "I left when I should've stayed to help you. And you had to carry that generator back with plasma burns because of it."

"Jake," Julian said gently. He waited until Jake met his eyes again before continuing, "I want you to know that I have never once been upset at you for leaving me."

Jake visibly startled, leaning back in his chair. "What?"

"I was worried that you had been killed. Running away quite likely was what saved your life. I'm happy that you survived the shelling. I know that when you think about what you did, you feel shame, but when I think about it, I feel relief and gratitude that you're still alive."

Jake shook his head. "But I was a coward."

"You got scared in a terrifying situation. There's no shame in that."

Jake studied him for a long moment, his expression pensive. "You really believe that," he said and Julian wasn't sure if it was a question.

He answered anyway. "I do."

Julian waited, but Jake didn't say anything after that. He still seemed deep in thought, so Julian turned his attention back to his food. He picked up his fork and then thought better of it and put it back down again. There was something else they needed to talk about and it was much more important than his lunch. 

"I'm sorry I took you to a warzone."

Jake grimaced. "Don't you remember? You didn't want to go. I convinced you it was a good idea."

"I'm a doctor," Julian reminded him. "And I'm also an adult and Starfleet officer. I had the ability to say no to you and continue on to Deep Space Nine. I'm the one who made the decision to go to Ajilon Prime."

"But I'm the one who pressured you!" Jake suddenly insisted loudly, surprising Julian in his vehemence.

"Jake?" he asked.

"I wanted my story about you to be more interesting, okay? I thought that if we went down to Ajilon Prime, I'd get to watch you in action, and--" He made a pained noise and shook his head. When he looked back at Julian, his brow was furrowed in anguish. "I didn't realize how horrible it would be and it's my fault we went!"

Slowly, so he could telegraph what he was doing, he leaned across the table and put his hand on Jake's shoulder. "Jake," he said calmly and Jake made another pained noise. "This wasn't your fault."

"But--"

Julian squeezed his shoulder. "It's not your fault the Klingons broke the ceasefire, and it's not your fault they decided to attack a Federation colony. We just happened to be there at the right time, and _I_ made the decision to go. 

"I can tell you this, because it wasn't you who convinced me to change our course. I ran the numbers in my head: the number of likely injured people versus the number of doctors and medical supplies they'd have available. I made the decision to go to Ajilon Prime when I realized that the medical supplies on board the runabout and my own skills would make a great difference. So I can tell you, without a doubt, that this _wasn't your fault_."

Jake's expression crumpled. He bowed his head and then wiped at his face with his hand.

"It wasn't your fault," Julian repeated. He let go of Jake's shoulder, but only so he could get up, walk around the table, and crouch on the floor at Jake's side. Jake let out a sob that sounded like it was pulled from his throat, and Julian placed what he hoped was a comforting hand on Jake's knee.

He stayed right where he was as Jake wept. He was responsible for putting this unnecessary weight onto Jake's shoulders. The least he could do was help ease that weight off of him.

When Jake lifted his head minutes later, he laughed a little, his eyes still watery. "I guess it's a good thing that you read my article."

Julian went back to his own seat and before he resumed eating his lunch, he offered Jake a smile in return. "As I said, you're an excellent writer."


End file.
